Parenting children is one of life’s most rewarding tasks. It is also a task which is often complex and challenging.
One thing that is certain about parenting is that as soon as you work out how to parent a child at a certain age, things will change and you will be faced with new challenges. Children learn and develop so quickly that it’s often hard for parents to keep up with new issues. This means that parents are kept on their toes and often feel like they are playing catch up, trying to understand what is happening for their child and what is the best way to manage these new developments.
At Parent Line we recognise that there are some normal family transitions that happen at certain developmental stages in families. It can be good for parents to know that some of these hiccups are ones that most people experience.
The Early Years (parenting children 0 – 2)
There are many changes for parents during the early years of a child’s life. Suddenly life is centred on a little human being who needs you for everything. At least 8 hours of direct care (feeding, bathing, changing) goes into looking after a young baby every day. This doesn’t even include settling or playing time. Parenting in the early years is literally a full time job.
Many parents also work outside of the home, which means in reality they are doing two full time jobs. People’s lives change dramatically when they become parents. Their social habits often change, the amount of income coming into the family is often reduced, there are additional pressures on parents to work together, along with the inevitable pressures of the extended family and their expectations.
Whilst the parent’s life is rapidly changing and adapting to the new family make up, the child is developing, changing and growing at an equally rapid rate. Just when one sleep routine is working, the child may be ready to drop one of their ‘day sleeps’, sending everything into chaos.
Despite these challenges, there is nothing more rewarding than seeing a child’s first smile, first steps, the building of a relationship, and the growing expressions of love and trust. These are wonderful years of growth for children and for parents.
Pre-School (3 – 4 years)
These are busy time for families. Children are just starting to be interested in the world outside their families. They are learning to make the transition from safe, known environments and routines to managing new environments and relationships.
Families often have pretty good routine worked out by now. They are starting to get to know their child’s unique personality and character traits and what fits with their family.
Children’s attention spans are not long and they still require lots of time with parents. Parents also are busy teaching lots of skills that help the child increase their independence, from starting to manage toileting to dressing themselves
Children become more interested in other children, starting out with playing alongside them, to learning about sharing and taking turns.
Children often go to pre-school or child care during this time, which gives parents a little bit of time away from their caring role. More parents return to the workforce as the child becomes more independent.
Many parents have another child during this time. So parents may be managing a new born and a pre-schooler, each with vastly differing needs.
Life is still busy and very hands on in this stage. Children are often especially delightful at this age, saying cute and funny things and being very loving and warm.
Primary school (5 – 11 years)
This is a time where parents’ calendars are filled to overflowing with events (playtime, parties, sports training and games, music lessons, dance classes and more). Some parents feel that they spend all their time ducking in and out of cars, picking up and dropping off kids, racing off to work, doing the shopping and that life is a whirlwind. Weeks fly by and parents often feel they have little time with their partner and even less time to themselves.
Children develop skills and learn rapidly. Parents have more contact with other parents. It is also a time when parents can feel intense pressure to compare their children to others. They may encourage their children to excel, achieve at school, sports etc. Children can feel pressured by competition and many children experience anxiety as a result.
One quarter of all children born to a couple experience their separation by the age of 18, This is a time when many of those parents separate and children may experience family breakdown.
Parents often feel overwhelmed with their parenting and family roles, with little time or energy left for themselves. It is important for parents to look after themselves and also limit the amount of activity in the family to an amount that is manageable. Even if the individual activities are enjoyable, having your time overscheduled is very stressful for both participants (children) and chauffeurs (parents).
Early Adolescence (12 – 14)
The developmental changes that happen during this time are rapid. Some children hit puberty as early as 11 or 12 whilst others are not there yet at 15 . Children really start to escalate the journey to independence at this time. The concern for many parents is that they are not sure their children have the skills needed to manage this increased independence. It is also a time when children start to move away from their parents and when their peer group becomes much more important.
Parents can feel like they are losing their influence with their child and it often feels like the majority of interactions they have with their child are negative. Parents become more concerned about outside influences on their children and also worried about the activities they are involved in. The drop out rate from sports and other activities escalates so children often have fewer adult mentors in their lives than in earlier years.
Parents are often back to working, some are working full time and many parents experience a feeling of exhaustion from having too many responsibilities and less of a relationship with their child. Parents often say, they miss the fun times they had with their children in previous stages.
The good news is that it is normal and that parents still can make a huge difference in their child’s life by looking for strengths, being interested, taking opportunities to connect and backing off on some of the less important issues.
Children at this age still need parents to guide and support them, even though they may not show it.
Middle Adolescence (15 – 16)
These are often the hard years for parents. Horror stories are heard in school staff rooms of Year 9 and 10 students. Partly this is due to children’s innate need to develop their identities outside of their families, have relationships and intimacy with peers, have increased independence. All of this with a brain that is still “under construction”. Young people often take risks during these years and combined with their often limited problem solving strategies, they will probably make mistakes.
A parent’s role is to continually assess their child’s skills and abilities, in relation to the activities they are undertaking. The biggest challenge is to maintain a positive, loving and open relationship. Parents need to continue to adjust their parenting to fit their child’s development.
These years are often difficult for parents, as they may be caring for ageing parents, managing teenage children, working and experiencing their own mid life challenges. It is also a time when parents have less contact with other parents because their children are more independent and many do not participate in as many extra curricular activities.
Support and self care are a vital part of being able to parent a middle adolescent.
Late Adolescence (17 – 18)
During late adolescence parents concerns are about issues such as HSC results and stress, employment choices, tertiary education options, learning to drive, schoolies holidays, their peer relationships etc. It can also be a time where some parents will experience their child’s first mental health concerns and or drug and alcohol use.
Parents themselves need to be prepared to allow their children to grow into young adults. This can be a time of excitement and pride at seeing their children grow into young adults. It may also be a period of sadness that their parenting role as they know it is starting to change and become less of a focus in their lives. Sometimes parents find this adjustment difficult and hang onto their parenting role to the detriment of the relationship with their child.
Each stage of parenting has it’s rewards and challenges. The overall goal of parenting is to raise children to be happy, healthy, productive, connected young adults who can manage their lives independently. If we view each developmental stage as an opportunity to coach and teach some of these skills and qualities, we are well on the way to helping our children reach those goals.